It's Discussion Monday again and today the issue we're discussion from Finding Romeo is one that I find should be talked about a lot more in church, but in a more practical way.
Christians have something in common with almost every religion on the planet. That is purity before marriage, i.e. ya gotta wait till ya married to have sex. In theory it sounds wonderful. If you wait till you married to have sex then you spare yourself a lot of heartbreak and unnecessary stress. Yes, you'll still get hurt, but I promise you that it's easier to deal with when you haven't had sex with the person.
So how on earth in this day and age are we expected to remain pure in a relationship? We're bombarded by sex everywhere we turn. It's almost expected now that when you go out with someone after a certain number of dates that you should have sex. As a matter of fact, most guys won't stick around a girl longer than a month if there's no sex. But that's outside of church right? Hmmm.... You might be surprised that some of us walk into church with that mentality. There are a lot of people walking around in church that find it very, very hard to abstain from sex until marriage.
In church, we're always taught what the word of God says, but rarely do our pastors and teachers teach us PRACTICAL ways to remain pure. I mean, what's a sista to do when she's finally on a hot date with the guy she's been eyeing in church for a whole year and he makes a move for sex? Or how does a guy who's accustomed to "hitting it" after three dates that he now has to wait years before he can touch the girl that he's in love with?
In Finding Romeo, our girl Daynia has this same predicament. She really likes Richard and he wants sex, in her head, the only way to keep him interested is to give in to sex. Richard has a similar problem. He's a new Christian and he's never had a relationship where he's supposed to wait for sex. In a weak moment, the both fall in the trap and it takes years for them to get out. My book is fiction, but that situation is a reality.
So what's the practical advice for Christians remaining pure before marriage? A long time ago, way back when I was a teenager, a pastor visiting my church had this advice. There are three elements that can come together to make a normal, innocent date go the wrong way. These are: the right place, the right person, the right atmosphere. His advice was that you should ALWAYS avoid that combination, I sounded good to me back then, but as an adult I've found it just a little bit more complicated than that. I mean, everybody wants to be able to enjoy a movie with the significant other on the couch alone right? So here's my own advice.
So how on earth in this day and age are we expected to remain pure in a relationship? We're bombarded by sex everywhere we turn. It's almost expected now that when you go out with someone after a certain number of dates that you should have sex. As a matter of fact, most guys won't stick around a girl longer than a month if there's no sex. But that's outside of church right? Hmmm.... You might be surprised that some of us walk into church with that mentality. There are a lot of people walking around in church that find it very, very hard to abstain from sex until marriage.
In church, we're always taught what the word of God says, but rarely do our pastors and teachers teach us PRACTICAL ways to remain pure. I mean, what's a sista to do when she's finally on a hot date with the guy she's been eyeing in church for a whole year and he makes a move for sex? Or how does a guy who's accustomed to "hitting it" after three dates that he now has to wait years before he can touch the girl that he's in love with?
In Finding Romeo, our girl Daynia has this same predicament. She really likes Richard and he wants sex, in her head, the only way to keep him interested is to give in to sex. Richard has a similar problem. He's a new Christian and he's never had a relationship where he's supposed to wait for sex. In a weak moment, the both fall in the trap and it takes years for them to get out. My book is fiction, but that situation is a reality.
So what's the practical advice for Christians remaining pure before marriage? A long time ago, way back when I was a teenager, a pastor visiting my church had this advice. There are three elements that can come together to make a normal, innocent date go the wrong way. These are: the right place, the right person, the right atmosphere. His advice was that you should ALWAYS avoid that combination, I sounded good to me back then, but as an adult I've found it just a little bit more complicated than that. I mean, everybody wants to be able to enjoy a movie with the significant other on the couch alone right? So here's my own advice.
- From day one, i.e. Date one, SET YOUR BOUNDARIES. Find out when the other person wants from you. Don't run him/her off with wedding planning but don't leave anything to chance either. Talk about your priorities and the importance of your spiritual life to you.
- People tend to skip this one but this is the real world so I'll say it. Christians, please don't date someone who doesn't share your relationship with God. A person needs more than just your personal conviction to get them to stay away from your pants. If you guys share the same God, chances are it will be easier to respect each other's boundaries.
- I'm gonna go back to the advice of that visiting pastor. As much as possible, avoid dangerous situations. If you're feeling particularly amorous one night, limit the time you spend in each other's company. Talk on the phone instead. A night on the couch watching a romantic comedy can be a disaster if all you could think about all day was taking your partner's clothes off! Be wise.
There's a lot more that I could offer, but this is supposed to be a discussion, so come on, tell me what you think. What's your PRACTICAL advice for the blissfully happy couple who's trying very hard to wait for marriage.
Oh and you should get your copy of Finding Romeo, here.
Joana James - Author of From Redemption to Maturity, Nightmare at Emerald High & Alana and Alyssa's Secret, Finding Romeo & Trusting God with your Future
Great advice! Thanks so much for sharing : )
ReplyDeleteAny Christian who in such a predicament should flee from the little seeds of personal torment. Not only when you are with your partner but when you are alone avoid stuff which can trigger your lustful desires, whether it be erotic literature, inappropriate conversations, pornography and other little triggers of temptation. Just avoid it at the moment it comes knocking at your Door. Substitute it for something more practical, by reading the word, going outside or by having a positive clean conversation with a spiritual brother or sister.
ReplyDeleteYou are an inspiration Mel!!....As a teenager among my friends ive been the "nun", "the goody too shoes" sometimes i thought to myself "im i really missing out on the fun things of life"...In the caf all my friends would be engaged in sexual topics while i would feel like an outsider but wat i hv realized is that in the end they were impressed with my characteristics and the values that i had. After 18 years of being single i tried to see what it would be like bein in a relationship and all my church friends would say we are unequally yolked and it was true because when i told him abt my values and my belief in God he would sometimes laugh so after thoroughly examin the situation i ended the relationship and on my said i felt good it was easy to leave beczuse i did nothing i would regret in the end. It takes a lot of strength and mental power and motivation to stay true to ur values its way easy to give in to pressure. My advise for others is that they follow what uve mentioned and stay true to themselves..Like my dad told me Boys are not going anywhere!,they are goin to be there wen im 20 watever so there should b no rush
ReplyDeleteWow! it always warms my heart to hear that these posts are helping someone press forward. Your dad is right, boys aren't going anywhere. You'll save yourself from a lot of unnecessary heart break if you wait. Be Blessed.
DeleteI remember once I decided that I was going to fast know so that I would be free from some chains.. LOL) I had already told my father that I was going to be fasting because then he would not offer me anything or bring me food. Things were going very well(this was a 6am-6pm fast eh) until my brother brought me a chicken roti and he put it right in my face. There began a mental battle. I began to reason, question why I was fasting et cetera. Eventually I ate the roti; my excuse for weakness being a decision to defer the fast to 6pm.
ReplyDeleteLikening this to sexual purity. You need to be accountable to someone. If I had told my father I was fasting from 6am I would not have broken the fast so easily. So find someone who is preferably older and more experienced and be open with that person about your struggles et cetera. Knowing that there is someone who will be checking on the two of you constantly is a deterrent.
Secondly, do not behave like I did; do not sit down in the face of temptation and stare and begin to reason. The bible talks about fleeing from the very appearance of evil.
I hope this makes sense. :D
Wow...bravo...It's as you said, "set boundaries." I don't think that the feeling of wanting to share affection within the context of a relationship is wrong at all. A couple without longing for each other does not make sense to me. Each partner should want each other but actively overlook the possibility of exploring them as a means to glorify GOD with their purity. That means each individual has a responsibility to guard their hearts and each others. That is where the boundaries come into place.
ReplyDeleteLove is when it protects the person in its sights. That is on a physical, emotional and spiritual level. Keep them coming JJ!!