Discussion Day 2

So it's discussion day number two and we'll be taking a look at another excerpt from the same Christian novel. Again, I'm going to tell you which book it is soon, but let's hear your thoughts on this excerpt. Remember it's a discussion so let's have fun! 

Daynia wasn’t sure if she should feel happy or not. She’d been trying to put as much distance between them as possible, but this act of kindness could serve as a game changer.

“Thanks for doing that, I really appreciate it.”

“Anytime Daynia,” he sighed. “You do know that I still care for you right?”

“Did you ever care about me Richard? Come on, answer that question honestly. Did you ever care about me? After everything you put me through, you’ll say that you cared about me?”

“Daynia, look, I’m sorry ok. I know this past year was horrible for you. I was confused about a few things and I mistreated you.”

“Confused? Is that how you act when you’re confused? You lie, cheat and treat people like crap when you’re confused? Ever heard of taking a moment to gather your thoughts? You ignored me, stood me up and made me look like a fool for a year and a half Richard! God forbid that you ever get confused again!”

That last comment hung in the air and continued to sting long after it was said. She was right to be angry with him. He’d been a complete idiot. She was the perfect girl and he treated her like trash. Now there really was no hope for the two of them ever getting back together.

“I’m really sorry Daynia,” he breathed, the sound barely audible. “I know I hurt you, and I’m very sorry. I know that my apology can’t make things better, but I need you to know that I’m really, really very sorry and it makes me ashamed when I think about all the things I did to you.”

“I’ve already forgiven you Richard; I didn’t need your apology to do that. I just don’t understand why you did this to me, that’s all. I mean, the usual excuse that most men give isn’t even applicable here; we had sex every time you wanted to. I did whatever you wanted me to even though it went against my conscience. I was always available whenever you wanted me to be. I never nagged or accused you of anything. I trusted you whole-heartedly Richard. I’ll never understand why you needed to have so many others.”

Richard was silent for several moments. Daynia was spewing venom and it scared him.

Finally, he broke the silence. “I hate to say this Daynia, but maybe you should have nagged and accused. I know you knew what was going on at some point. You may not have had proof, but you had to know that I was lying to you all that time.”

“What!” Daynia shouted angrily.

“Hold on,” he said. “Just let me finish.”

He covered her hand in his with a gentle touch that sent her heart into a nose dive. She fell silent, but before she could succumb to the emotions that threatened to overcome her, she yanked her hand away.

“I’m not saying this is an excuse. I’m just saying that it was easy for me to keep going because you never held me accountable for my actions. You went along with everything I suggested in spite of your convictions. I don’t know if you've ever realized this Daynia, but we men, we’ll misbehave until a woman shows up and hold us accountable. That’s just how we are.”

“That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard Richard. There is no way that I’m responsible for your ridiculous behaviour.”

“I never said you were responsible hon, I said you never held me accountable for it.”

The air in the car was suddenly filled with a level of tension that was incomprehensible. Daynia willed the line of traffic ahead of them to disappear, yet their slow crawl towards the city and her home continued at the same agonizing pace. 

Let's hear what you think. 

Discussion Day 1

The following is an excerpt from a Christian novel -  I'll tell you which one in a few days. Today, I would love to hear what you think, not about the story, but about the discussion the characters are having below. Weigh in, air your views, agree, disagree and send your friends to do the same. 

As the weeks rolled by Daynia finally began to heal. Her friends all stood by her, much to her surprise. Ashley held her pitiful form several times while she cried helplessly, but those occurrences were becoming less frequent and she could now function normally at work. She found her way back into her circle of friends with ease and they made her feel like she had never left.

At church, the expected stares accompanied by whispering was almost non-existent and only occurred among the older more judgmental members who’d gone passed the age where they remembered the indiscretions of their youth. Daynia theorized that they remembered quite clearly but chose to remain in a state of total denial as they could not live with their own consciousness. Whatever their reason, their whispering didn’t bother her too much because her God did no such thing. She’d received total forgiveness again and even though she was beating herself up for making the same mistakes all over again, God didn’t hold it against her so she walked with her head held high.

***

“It’s so hard for a Christian woman to find the right mate,” said Ashley. She and Daynia were walking along the beach having some girl time. Ashley made a special effort to do things with her friend these days. She needed the company to help keep her focused.

“Yeah, it is isn’t it? He has to line with God’s plans for you, he has to share your passion for God and he has to be willing to wait for sex.”

“Yup, it’s a tall order, even for men with the best of intentions,” said Ashley.  “That’s why we need to wait for God to do the picking; we can’t do a good job by ourselves.”

“You picked a good one.”

“Yeah, Daniel’s great, but don’t forget that I had to wait a while before he came along. God had to fix him first. In his previous state, I wouldn’t have gone within ten feet of him.”

“So that’s the trick really, we gotta wait till they’re ready.”

“Yeah, take Richard for example, he’s not a bad guy, he just wasn’t ready.”

“Oh come on Ash, you’re gonna tell me that a man who spent a year and a half lying to me is a good guy.”

“Yes Dayn, that’s exactly what I’m saying. He needed time to deal with the ghosts from his past. They don’t go away just because you’re now trying to live for God. It’s a process and he didn’t go through his process."

Daynia walked along silently whilst she pondered what Ashley was saying.

“We all had ghosts remember,” continued Ashley. “You have that horrible relationship with your family and all those bad relationships. I had to learn to love myself and treat my body with respect. Remember how I used to dress when I first started coming to church.”

Daynia laughed out loud. “Yes! I do. Those outfits were rather… um interesting.”

“Exactly! Now, I’m a glamor queen without showing my goods to the whole world. I went through my process. You were doing a good job with yours before Richard. You just need to keep pressing. Know what you want for your life and focus on that.”

Daynia stared at her friend for several moments. “When did you get so wise?” she asked, laughing.

“Oh I don’t know, it just happened,” responded Ashley as she tossed her hair back and held her head high in a look of mock sophistication.

“Whatever!” laughed Daynia as she pushed Ashley into the incoming tide. 

So there it is...let's hear what you think!

Is it harder for a Christian to find a mate?

It's Discussion Monday! 

We have come to the end of our Finding Romeo discussions. Next week's discussion will be something unrelated to the book. I do hope that you have found these discussions enlightening and they have helped you understand the book a bit better.

Is it harder for a Christian to find a mate?

If you visit any Christian church you will often find many single people in the congregation and most of them will be single women. So why is it then that perfectly good respectable women are sitting in church pews waiting for years before they find a mate? Sometimes they never even get married.

In Finding Romeo, Daynia's best friend Ashley makes the observation that it is harder for a Christian to find a mate. What do you think?

My thinking on the subject is this:

1. Population dynamics makes it that way. In general there are more women on the planet than men but in church the ratio is seriously skewed. Look around, there are hardly any men in the pews!
2. Christians are a lot pickier about who their husbands/wives should be and rightfully so. In order to walk in the will of God for your life, it is important to have the right person by your side. The wrong person can cause you to abort our destiny. These are things that a Christian has running through the backs of their mind constantly. 
3. Not every person we see in church every Sunday is genuine! Part of the issue is that in church there are wolves hiding in sheep's clothing. From the outside a person may look like a good God-fearing man/woman, however, the minute you begin to date them, you realize it's a whole other story. 

So do you agree that it's harder for a Christian to find a mate or do you think that the opposite is the case?

Joana James - Author of From Redemption to Maturity,   Nightmare at Emerald High & Alana and Alyssa's Secret 

Practical ways to wait till marriage to have sex

It's Discussion Monday again and today the issue we're discussion from Finding Romeo is one that I find should be talked about a lot more in church, but in a more practical way. 

Christians have something in common with almost every religion on the planet. That is purity before marriage, i.e. ya gotta wait till ya married to have sex. In theory it sounds wonderful. If you wait till you married to have sex then you spare yourself a lot of heartbreak and unnecessary stress. Yes, you'll still get hurt, but I promise you that it's easier to deal with when you haven't had sex with the person.

So how on earth in this day and age are we expected to remain pure in a relationship? We're bombarded by sex everywhere we turn. It's almost expected now that when you go out with someone after a certain number of dates that you should have sex. As a matter of fact, most guys won't stick around a girl longer than a month if there's no sex. But that's outside of church right? Hmmm.... You might be surprised that some of us walk into church with that mentality. There are a lot of people walking around in church that find it very, very hard to abstain from sex until marriage.

In church, we're always taught what the word of God says, but rarely do our pastors and teachers teach us PRACTICAL ways to remain pure. I mean, what's a sista to do when she's finally on a hot date with the guy she's been eyeing in church for a whole year and he makes a move for sex? Or how does a guy who's accustomed to "hitting it" after three dates that he now has to wait years before he can touch the girl that he's in love with?

In Finding Romeo, our girl Daynia has this same predicament. She really likes Richard and he wants sex, in her head, the only way to keep him interested is to give in to sex. Richard has a similar problem. He's a new Christian and he's never had a relationship where he's supposed to wait for sex.  In a weak moment, the both fall in the trap and it takes years for them to get out. My book is fiction, but that situation is a reality.

So what's the practical advice for Christians remaining pure before marriage? A long time ago, way back when I was a teenager, a pastor visiting my church had this advice. There are three elements that can come together to make a normal, innocent date go the wrong way. These are: the right place, the right person, the right atmosphere. His advice was that you should ALWAYS avoid that combination, I sounded good to me back then, but as an adult I've found it just a little bit more complicated than that. I mean, everybody wants to be able to enjoy a movie with the significant other on the couch alone right? So here's my own advice.

1. From day one, i.e. Date one, SET YOUR BOUNDARIES. Find out when the other person wants from you. Don't run him/her off with wedding planning but don't leave anything to chance either. Talk about your priorities and the importance of your spiritual life to you. 
2. People tend to skip this one but this is the real world so I'll say it. Christians, please don't date someone who doesn't share your relationship with God. A person needs more than just your personal conviction to get them to stay away from your pants. If you guys share the same God, chances are it will be easier to respect each other's boundaries. 
3. I'm gonna go back to the advice of that visiting pastor. As much as possible, avoid dangerous situations. If you're feeling particularly amorous one night, limit the time you spend in each other's company. Talk on the phone instead. A night on the couch watching a romantic comedy can be a disaster if all you could think about all day was taking your partner's clothes off! Be wise.

There's a lot more that I could offer, but this is supposed to be a discussion, so come on, tell me what you think. What's your PRACTICAL advice for the blissfully happy couple who's trying very hard to wait for marriage.

Oh and you should get your copy of Finding Romeo, here.

Joana James - Author of From Redemption to Maturity,   Nightmare at Emerald High & Alana and Alyssa's Secret, Finding Romeo & Trusting God with your Future

Love Triangles - Would you stay?

It's discussion number 4 in the Finding Romeo discussion series and today we'll be talking about love triangles.

Love triangles are quite interesting things. Most times, the legitimate partner has no idea that he/she is in a love triangle. However, every once in a while, you find a partner in a relationship who knows without a shadow of a doubt that their loved one is enjoying love from someone else.

Today's question is this:
- Why remain in a relationship even after you find out that your partner is cheating?

In Finding Romeo our dear Daynia is not sure that her beau is cheating, but there is certainly enough evidence to give her a reason to investigate, yet she doesn't. I've heard people say that as long as their significant other comes home to them at night, then they don't really care about another man or woman. I've heard others say that after being in a relationship for some time, it's just best to leave things be. Others say they will stay because there are children involved.

For me, as long as my trust has been betrayed, it is VERY, VERY hard to be regained. That isn't to say that I cannot forgive the behavior but, I do know that to go back would mean a lifetime of wondering where my mate is during every second of every day. It would be a lifetime of wondering who he's with and just what the true nature of any relationship he has with a woman might be. That means that this relationship would be a constant night of worry for me. Not healthy for either of us, so my best bet would be to bow out.

What about you? Can you forgive and move on with a partner who has betrayed your trust? What if the person has cheated only once (a one night stand)? Would it be easier to forgive and move on? Can you see yourself staying in a situation where your partner is blatantly having another relationship outside of yours?

Feel free to post your comments below, let's have a hearty discussion.

To purchase Finding Romeo in kindle format or paperback click the image below

Should you take him/her back?

About two weeks ago, we spoke about a woman who would choose to stay with a man after years of physical abuse. We know that it's something that happens all the time and even though it doesn't make sense, it happens. Today however, we're going to discuss another side of things.

Today's question is this.

Would you return to a relationship where your partner treated you badly even though he has apologized and seems repentant?

In Finding Romeo our heroine Daynia faced this dilemma. The love of her life claimed that he was changed and he wanted a second chance:. In fact, everyone around Daynia was convinced that Richard was a changed man, but even though she could see the changes, she struggled with the decision to open her heart to him again.

That is a very understandable situation. When someone breaks our trust, a normal reaction is to banish that person from our lives forever. However, from a Christian perspective we are taught forgiveness. Does forgiveness mean that you have to take the person back? Does it mean that you should even talk to the person again? Does it mean that you must open your heart again to someone who has basically treated you like crap?

My take on this situation is and always will be that forgiveness does not mean that I should give an individual another opportunity to hurt me. What it does mean is that I should no longer concentrate on what an individual has done yo me in the past. It means that must no longer hold a grudge. It means that I must treat the person with kindness and love. It means that I must not be reproachful. It does NOT mean that if I am not sure that the person is truly genuine that I should make room for them in my life again.

From a Christian standpoint, my answer to the original question is this: if you love someone and you are sure that you can see God working in the lives, give them time to mature and if it is the way you are being led, then by all means go for it.

What's your take on the topic? It is discussion Monday so feel free to jump in.

To purchase the book, please click the image below. 

How far will you go to make someone love you?

This is the second post in a series designed to help readers understand the underlying themes and motivations of our heroine Daynia in Finding Romeo and to give you an opportunity to discuss it.

How far are you willing to go to make someone love you?

In Finding Romeo, we see Daynia, our heroine, behaving in a manner that most would call completely foolish. She is desperately in love with a man who, quite obviously, is not interested in returning her love. Yet, over and over, she compromises herself and her beliefs. So the question is posed, how far are you willing to go to make someone love you?

Is it okay to be the one in a relationship always making the changes, always apologizing, always trying to make amends? Should we make drastic changes to ourselves (changes that YOU don't like) just to get our partners to notice us? Should we always feel the need to fix ourselves to gain his or her attention?

These are several issues that point to an unhealthy relationship. Whilst there is certainly nothing wrong with making changes to unhealthy behavioral traits, or changing a hairstyle to maybe spice things up a little, eyebrows must be raised if these things must be done to gain a partner's love or even just their attention.

In the book, Daynia cooked, she compromised her values, she sat back and waited whilst being totally ignored, she knew she was being cheated on, but she stayed, she was stood-up over and over, she chopped off all the hair that she was in love with and still when the love of her life didn't notice her, she waited. Wow. Talk about desperation right? Or maybe just stupidity? Which is it?

What's your take on the issue?

Finding Romeo is already available in kindle and paperback formats. 

Click the image below to purchase.

Do people treat you badly because you allow them to?

This is the first of series of posts that will deal with the issues our herione faces in Finding Romeo. Follow me each week as we disect the real issues in this drama/romance. 

True or false? Do people only treat you the way you allow them to?

In my latest novel, Finding Romeo, my heroine deals with the hard fact that the hero has not treated her the way she should have been treated because she allowed it.

That is definitely not something you want to hear when you are going through a difficult time, you'd rather be told that the person who wronged you is an idiot and a jerk right. Well, maybe they are, but in my opinion, there is some truth in that statement.

A lot of the time, we let the bad behavior of the people around us slide the first time around. That's fine. But what happens when they do it again? And again? And yet again? Take for example a woman in an abusive relationship. Is it her fault that the man has laid a hand on her? Definitely not, there's nothing a woman can do anyway or anyhow that justifies a man laying his hands on her. However, what about the fact that he does it the fifth time? It's easy to see that there should not have been a fifth time right? What if that woman realizes her worth and leaves the abusive relationship? The hitting stops right? Yeah I know, it's not so cut and dry, there are some real crazy stalkers out there who'll follow the poor gal just so he can beat her to a pulp. There's a place in hell for those idiots.

My point however, is that you'll be treated with the same level of respect that you demand. If you're being cheated on and you stay, you'll continue to be cheated on. If you're being ignored and you stay, you'll continue to be ignored. If you compromise your values because you are in love, he'll always expect that you'll compromise your values.

This principle does not only relate to romantic relationships, it relates to every other relationship you can have. As a parent, if you don't expect good behavior from your kids, they'll run around like hooligans. As an employee, if you don't expect respect from your boss, he'll likely treat you like a doormat. As a friend, if you allow your other friends to use you, they'll use you until you have nothing left to give.

Simple relationship dynamics right?

Today I want to hear your thoughts. Post a comment, tell me what you think about all these things.

(P.S. If you grab the book and tell me your thoughts on that, that would be nice too :D)